Happy boat kids, happy boat

0 kids in the berrysCruising is great for families! Cruising grows healthy kids! Cruising kids are exceptionally well socialized! Cruising can provide kids a broad world view! These are true, but oversimplifications. For all the great benefits to be derived from this lifestyle, it won’t work for a family if the kids aren’t happy, and you can’t take happy kids for granted. Starting young, it’s less complicated; older kids who have to separate more meaningfully from routines and friends in particular are more challenging.

We started in a magic window of ages when our kids (newly turned 4, 6 and 9) mostly wanted to hang out with mom and dad. Friends were important, but our nuclear family was most important. Every child is unique and every family will experience this differently, but I believe it to be generally true and a circumstance that’s fostered and maintained close relationships in our family.

2 tight family relationships

As kids grow older, it’s progressively important that they have other kids to hang out with. Nomadic kids have a lower bar for friends to enter that playgroup circle: they quickly unlearned the false importance of age, gender, interests, or other artificial boundary lines.

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Niall’s happy to go off with parents and a young boy as buddies for a dinghy adventure

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Niall plays airplane with Mathilda while sisterhood happens with boat kids in a range of ages

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It’s not uncool to play with a three year old.

That next best friend isn’t an anchorage away.  Occasionally, yes, but it takes planning more than serendipity or you’ll have lonely kid(s). This costs a big element of control for your route planning: not easy, especially for families planning a shorter sabbatical cruise with a vision for where they want to go.

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Four kid boats, middle of the Indian Ocean…not by serendipity, but by planning.

If an important driver for plans needs to be finding and connecting and hanging out with the other boat families…HOW do you do this?
pinterest happy boat kids

1. Find the hubs

Every region has a hub and a season where boats gather: get yourself there, and you’ll connect with families. Those families may become your buddy boats, or the boats that connect you with your kids’ next best cruising kid friend. Marathon / Boot Key Harbor, Florida, collect cruising families as boats stage to head to the Bahamas for the winter; as the season picks up, it’s George Town, Bahamas where you’ll find them. Prickly Bay, Grenada, gets the biggest kid boat call during hurricane season and St Martin / Sint Maarten seems to be a crossroads in general.

2. Connect online

Every other boat has a blog/Instagram/YT channel/Facebook page. Dial into the kid boat community online, and use that as a way to find, track, and connect with other families. This is one of the reasons SailingTotem has an active family blogroll page to browse.

Another good resource is the Kids4Sail group: there’s an admin post around the first of the month with regional check-ins to help families find each other.

The anchorage mapping tool we use for Totem, Farkwar, has a “fleet” for kid boats. At one URL (and a bit of clicking/dragging) I can see which boats in the fleet are near us—and follow boats in our region that we hope to catch up with (like the three teens on Allegro!).

Farkwar screenshot

Each of those waypoints is a boat with kids: several with teens, even!

3. Use those connections!

Don’t just follow families, reach out! As a parent of teens on board I LOVE IT when another family with teens reaches out to see if we can connect when they see we may be in the same region. We help each other out with introductions to each other, since plenty of families aren’t as active in social media.

4. Location matters

West coast cruisers have it much easier: cruising boats flow in a linear path along the coastline. In the South Pacific, they migrate along a seasonal route, the so-called Coconut Milk Run, westward with a dip down to New Zealand or Australia during the southern hemisphere cyclone season. Boats arriving in French Polynesia from Mexico will have known each other for months already; new friends enter with the Caribbean fleet sailing down from Panama.

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Shoes, still overrated.

The myriad of routing options from boats departing the US east coast for the Caribbean complicates things; it’s less likely to happen organically, especially for tween/teens. I’m told the Mediterranean is similar, where again there are a wealth of options for routing instead of a linear progression followed by most cruisers. And some regions, well, they’re simply off the beaten path: South America. The Indian Ocean. We loved our year in remote Papua New Guinea and eastern Indonesia, but it was many moons without another family boat and were REALLY READY for socializing by the time we reached more trafficked cruising grounds. Being around other kid boats is a choice that requires engagement.

Siblings

On Totem we’re lucky to have a built in tribe. Our kids are tight, and their reliance on each other has surely strengthened this bond.

1 they have each other

After a presentation in Miami last month, Niall responded to a question from the audience about the social side cruising as a teen. He has perspective on the pros and cons, but summarized it by saying “my sisters are my best friends.” I might have teared up a little, but it’s true.

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Wonderful as it is that they are so tight, they also need OTHER kids. Staying in touch with cruising friends through email and texting is important: they routinely use Google Hangouts to chat with friends across several continents, maintaining long term relationships. They’re important, but not a replacement for in-person interactions.

Older kids

With teens aboard, the happiness calculus gets more complicated. FOMO goes to a whole new level for kids that rely on phone/internet to feel connected. There’s a whole chapter in Voyaging With Kids dedicated to the unique needs and perspective of teens.

The teen bonfire, carefully spaced away from their parents

The teen bonfire, carefully spaced away from their parents: Maldives 

Personal space is key (Siobhan and Mairen have already worked out who gets Niall’s cabin when he leaves for college). For families looking at moving aboard, it’s not just the physical space but how they personalize it to make it theirs. As teens build and connect with their growing identities as young adults, we support them as parents by giving them a voice in planning. Family planning is a round table where everyone’s goals and desires are taken into account. Their desires matter, whether it’s plans for the day or the season.

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Niall’s desire to complete the circumnavigation before college changed our plans significantly, and that’s just fine. On the beach in Eleuthera this week

Shifting Totem plans

We’ve had a long stretch with few boat kids in their age range (getting within a three year spread would be great). There have been intersections that provided critical injections of camaraderie, but we’re all feeling it. Leaving Florida so late in the season put us out of sync with the migratory fleet. It’s pulling us to shift our summer plans, and look at hustling south to Grenada sooner rather than later. It’s partly the promise of the a gathered fleet during hurricane season, but mostly because another kid boat—friends we’ve crossed an ocean with—are sailing there soon. Hurricane season worries factors in, too; we have no insurance coverage during named storms, and Grenada is relatively safe from historical storm tracks. Parts of our plans more fixed than flexible (Niall is keen to cross our circumnavigation track in Pacific Mexico before college next year), but this is a shift we can make.

It throws our calendar up in the air again, but that’s a kind of status quo for us lately. This much we know: as great as our kids are at flying together as a solo tribe, we’re looking forward to connecting them with kids closer to their age again soon.

Siobhan watches sunset in Thailand

Siobhan watches sunset in Thailand

Mairen on the windward side of Eleuthera this week

Mairen on the windward side of Eleuthera this week

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11 Responses to Happy boat kids, happy boat

  1. Rob Robison April 14, 2017 at 1:47 am #

    Hi Totem crew, Enjoyed the thoughts and photos. It must be particularly challenging to find kid boats with matching age ranges. Puppy love affairs must present even more dilemmas for teens as well as parents. Somehow, one must muddle through.

    Here’s wishing you all a very HAPPY EASTER, as you continue to sail on your journey.

    Rob & Carol Robison

    • Behan April 14, 2017 at 1:56 pm #

      Thanks Rob & Carol! We have pretty loose standards on ‘matching ages’– really, within three years is pretty good! Fewer opportunities for puppy love but it does happen. 🙂

  2. Anushka Sharma April 14, 2017 at 9:17 am #

    I like reading about unique experiences as well as more general stuff, That must have been an amazing experience for your tour, As a traveler, I find your recommendations very useful. Many of them I try to put into practice always, Thank you

  3. Jason Haase April 14, 2017 at 2:53 pm #

    Behan- Thanks for another great post. We have an 8 year old son and we depart this summer for a 5+ year circumnavigation. After years of trying to adopt, it looks like it will just be the 3 of us. I must say, your post hit home hard today, but knowing that there is a great community out there that just takes a little effort to find make me feel like its possible.

    Thanks.

    • Behan April 14, 2017 at 5:16 pm #

      I’m so glad this resonated with you. It IS harder for singleton families but it’s work we all have to do to find each other out there! But you’re starting on the west coast, right? So much easier to hook up with kid boats on the southbound run to Mexico and beyond there, than the zig-zag options around the Caribbean! Excited for you and your family.

      • Jason Haase April 14, 2017 at 5:28 pm #

        We are leaving Seattle with 5 other kid boats…its going to be party, more kids than adults. so we should be good thru Mexico. 🙂

  4. Todd April 14, 2017 at 5:00 pm #

    Great Post! I decided to finally up and buy the book through your link, so there! 🙂 Hope it puts a few bucks in your wallet. Looking forward to reading through it + handing it over to my wife. All the best.

    • Behan April 14, 2017 at 5:17 pm #

      Thank you Todd! That does put a few bucks in the Totem kitty, we will toast you at sundowners. 😉

  5. Michael April 14, 2017 at 9:10 pm #

    I found your article extremely interesting, and my heart goes out to the kids who are deep into learning about society and social norms in such a situation. I have often wondered what young people do when they are in a more confined space, even if that space is moving around. Spending time with peers is certainly a necessary part of life learning, even when brains are still
    immersed in development for another fifteen years. Still, learning in different situations is very satisfying for anyone of any age. Good parents like you remember to think of the needs of children as the family goes thru life.

  6. RDE April 15, 2017 at 8:25 am #

    Welcome to Eleuthra! Did you happen on one of the limestone “wells” that occur? Amazing. There is one near Rock Sound as I recall.
    Cheers,
    Richard

    • Behan April 15, 2017 at 8:51 am #

      Thanks Richard! Haven’t yet but looking forward to seeing the blue holes, we’ll be in Rock Sound soon.

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